/Advice

A few years ago I was involved with a guy who I thought was my first love. I was crazy about him and did everything I could to keep the relationship going, but then he got distant and started dating someone else. After we broke up, I realized that he was kind of an asshole. 

I’m recently out of a relationship and he just messaged me on Facebook. We’re both in our late twenties now and I’m willing to believe that it didn’t work out then because we were both pretty young. Or maybe at least I’ll get some closure. Is it a bad idea to see him again?


You said he was an asshole.

To give him the benefit of the doubt, there are different kinds of dickishness. Emotional confusion sometimes results in embarrassingly bad conduct, and this is usually a learning experience. Some people grow out of it. Some people take a very long time to learn. And some people never learn. The only positive angle I can see on this situation is that there’s a slim chance it didn’t work out because you were young (how young, I don’t know), he was confused, and maybe things have changed. Maybe.

That said, other kinds of dickish behavior have staying power. Dishonesty, self-absorption, deception, these are a few qualities that won't likely fade out after a few years. So my question to you would be, When you say that you realized that he was an asshole, what does that mean? Was he confused and clumsy in how he handled things, or did he treat you badly during the relationship? And then I’d ask, Are you capable of walking away if he's the same?

But something else worries me in your question. When you say that you did your best to keep the relationship going, it suggests to me that the feelings weren’t reciprocated. It suggests that you weren’t in it with him; you were trying to force the relationship out of him, in spite of him. The risk, then, is that if you meet up with him and sense a connection, you'll do this again. In which case, you’ll have a second round of the relationship you’ve