/Advice

My boyfriend has trouble keeping an erection. He says it isn’t me but I know he doesn’t have a problem staying hard when he masturbates. So I have to ask - is it me? We’ve been together for two months.


Assuming there isn’t a physical problem - and if he’s fine when he masturbates, then there isn’t - my read on your situation is that he’s overthinking sex. If he can get hard, but he can’t get hard with you, then it’s psychological.

Culturally, we put a lot of pressure on men. There’s this idea that sex is an act performed by men on women and I see it perpetuated in our language, our media, and our popular culture. So if you’re a guy raised in this environment, that’s a lot of pressure. When it comes time to strip down and get hard, some men start to overthink the experience.

When women overthink, it can be difficult to come. When men overthink, it can be difficult to stay hard.

The first thing I’d suggest is to never take it personally. If you were the problem, he wouldn’t be with you, so you need to trust that it isn’t about you. Stressing over it will just increase his anxiety.

For him, I’d suggest that you work on helping him to relax. We put a lot of effort into warming women up with foreplay - that same energy and attention can be put to men as well. Approach sex without any expectations, and that includes expectations that you’ll come or he’ll stay hard. The reality is that you don’t need him to come. You can do that yourself, with your hands, with any of the fantastic tools and toys available to you. What you can’t get from a vibrator is intimacy, so that should be your focus.

Touch one another. Keep it slow. Kiss. Play a little music. Take your time. Feel free to take a break and then do it