/Advice

I’m a straight female and my boyfriend told me about a fantasy that’s really bothering me. He told me that he wants to give another man a blow job and he wants me to be in the room when he does it. I try to be open-minded about everything but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable at drawing the line. I told him that if he wants to have sex with another man then maybe he shouldn’t be with me. Now I feel bad and confused. He says he loves me but I don’t know what to do. I really just want to know if I’m wrong in thinking that he’s gay.


Hold off on assigning any sort of sexual orientation to the guy. Does it feel like he loves you? Does it feel like he’s sexually attracted to you?

Before you ask if he’s gay, think of sexuality as a spectrum. Some people are strictly aroused by the opposite sex, some people are strictly aroused by the same sex. But there’s a range between those two points, people who are aroused by both sexes equally, people who lean in one direction or the other but have some flexibility. Culturally, it’s more acceptable for women to be flexible when it comes to their orientation, but it isn’t as acceptable for men. Since he’s described it as a fantasy, and he’s in a relationship with a woman, I wouldn’t read into it too quickly. Sometimes kinks are just kinks.

What you describe reminds me of a popular kink called ‘forced-bi.' This is when a woman ‘forces’ a man to engage in sex acts with another man. I emailed a few men with a thing for forced-bi scenarios to get their perspective on your question, and all said that it sounded like your boyfriend just wants permission to explore. I'm assuming from your question that you're worried your boyfriend's closeted, which would call your relationship into question, so I did ask one for input on that issue:

“I consider myself totally straight. I know my kinks sound a little sexually ambiguous, but I don’t feel any ambiguity. I love women. I’m turned on by women. I can’t get off unless a woman has some role in the fantasy. Being penetrated by a woman’s strap-on is more about