/Advice

I’ve just got out of a five-year relationship and after several months of misery, I’m getting to a point where I’m ready to date again. The only problem is that it’s been so long that I feel clueless. I met my last boyfriend in college. We were friends for about a year before we started dating, and in retrospect, I think it didn’t work out because I never really dated around and had nothing to compare him to. Do you have any advice? This isn’t really a sex question, more like a relationship question.


My advice in a nutshell: take care of yourself first and then, when you’re ready, let the dating unfold naturally.

More advice? Don’t play games, call when you feel like it, be honest, and if you develop feelings, make sure he knows how you feel. If it’s mutual, enjoy yourself and take it at a pace that’s comfortable for you. If it isn’t mutual, that’s okay. That’s how dating works. Sometimes it clicks, sometimes it doesn’t.

I had a friend with the world's most rigid approach to dating. There were rules. Men had to be chivalrous but not too chivalrous because that would be sexist. They had to be in a creative field, but pulling a minimum of six figures a year. They had to be at least six feet tall, dark hair, well-built. Their parents couldn't be divorced, and they needed to be prepared to have a child within two years. She never returned calls until the fourth day, she never had sex until the sixth date, she pretended to be playing the field until they said "I love you," which, of course, they had to say first. Her whole approach to dating is what I'd recommend you avoid. Don't be judgmental - a guy might not be what you expect, but if you blow him off too quickly, you could miss out on an amazing man. Don't play games - that's just starting a relationship with manipulation, and I've never known manipulation to lead to anything positive. And don't have expectations of a relationship before it's begun. Take it as it comes.

So, there are things you want to avoid. Don’t talk about your exes at length - let your past stay in the past. Don’t treat your date like a therapist - a date isn't all about you. Don’t fire off a list of prerequisites - he's not applying to meet your approval. But then, these things tend to happen when you’re not ready to date. If you’re depressed, work on yourself first. If you're not over your past relationship, give yourself more time. And if you're demanding, well... cut it out. All this gets in the way of connecting with someone new.